Bit of a blue day. All I can think of is leaving and just how much I don’t want to leave. I just can’t see myself living in the NL right now. I don’t want to be there and I don’t want to leave here. So why go? Cause I have to as I have no money left and am not making any money. Am not allowed to work here but I seriously need a paying job. It’s odd to find that my decisions are now based on finances. I think it’s a first, for whatever that means and it can’t be right:-)
Thing is, I know exactly what I want and it ain’t leaving except for a trip home for Christmas. Seeing my friends would be great, riding a bicycle everywhere you go would be the best simple pleasure I can think of, safety, infrastructure… it all sounds great. But what about the rest? What about my friends here, what about the work that I put in to get here, what about all those people I haven’t met, the stories I haven’t lived, the countries I haven’t visited?
It kind of feels like I am only getting started properly. The project was an awesome thing to do and a fab way of getting to know people but now comes the real challenge; pushing it out there further than an exhibition. How to make your mark? How to determine when your mark is made? When is it done? I don’t know. I only know it’s not here yet. It feels like there is more coming even if I am a little bit afraid that a friend is right and that Cape Town is very good at dangling a big carrot in front of you, making you believe there is more while you’ll never quite get there.
But wouldn’t it be so much fun trying?